Open Monogamy Toolkit
Contemplating moving toward a more open style of monogamy? Here are some tools and resources to get you started on your journey.
Monogamy is a style, a practice, an adjective, or a verb, and a choice.
Monogamy is not binary, it is not traditional monogamy versus wide open polyamory. There is a continuum, with shades of gray along the range.
Monogamy is not one thing or one destination. You don’t arrive there and stay in that one place for the rest of your life. The Monogamy Continuum is a constantly shifting spectrum of exploration that grows as you expand as a couple.
What type of relationship works for you?
Where are you on the Monogamy continuum?
Talking about your shared definition of monogamy can lead to new levels of intimacy and excitement.
The Rise of Non-monogamy
Monogamy has been the gold standard of relationships for centuries, but infidelity and divorce have existed for as long as marriages have. The one partner traditional monogamy structure doesn’t suit everyone, especially long term. In 2023, Ashley Madison, the world’s leading married dating site, registered Gen Z to be the top cohort to sign up to the site, even though the majority of them have never been married. This reflects a growing societal shift to non-monogamy from traditional monogamous relationships. In fact, 24% of Americans and 52% of Ashley Madison members agree that society can benefit from moving toward a more open style of monogamy/non-monogamy.
So why doesn’t everyone make this jump? There’s still a gap in what people say they want and how they can get there as a couple.
Open Monogamy
A practical guide for creating non-traditional relationship agreements that work―from a certified sex therapist and relationships expert.
The Monogamy Gap
The Trouble with Sex Podcast
Sex, Love & Relationships deeply impact our human experience. What brings us the most pleasure and fulfillment, can also cause the most pain and suffering.
The Trouble With Sex is a multimedia platform that brings listeners, viewers and participants cutting edge information, expert advice and therapeutic insights into our hearts, heads and desires. Hosted by Dr. Tammy Nelson.
Additional tools to help you learn more
Ask Dr. Tammy
Dr. Tammy Nelson, PhD, is a sex and relationship expert, an international speaker, an author and a licensed psychotherapist with thirty years of experience working with individuals and couples. In private practice, she focuses on helping people of all ages, orientations, and genders find love, healing, and passion.
Fill out the form and keep listening to The Trouble With Sex for the answer.
Frequently asked questions
Common questions about monogamy to help you get started on your journey.
What is open monogamy and why has it become so popular?
Open monogamy refers to how we can structure our romantic relationships for both commitment and autonomy.
It means we have a primary or central partner and a flexible or fluid relationship agreement.
People with an open monogamy agreement are dedicated and loyal to their primary partner while also understanding each other’s needs for outside sexual or romantic connection. They consensually agree to outside connections.
Doesn’t an open relationship diminish a marriage or take away from one’s partner?
Not if it’s done right.
The desire to have outside connections and share a level of intimacy with someone other than your primary partner doesn’t mean you love them any less.
Recognizing your needs, and identifying what you can and can’t give to each other is a sign of a loving and strong relationship.
Does it mean that a committed relationship is not working or that the love is dead?
Quite the opposite, actually. The love, trust, and patience it takes to open a relationship is paramount.
Having outside partners allows for more personal growth and the fulfillment of fantasies for their partner. None of that means they’ve fallen out of love or want to leave the relationship.
What is the monogamy gap?
The monogamy gap is a disagreement between partners about the level of openness in the relationship, when one has more of a desire to break free of traditional monogamy.
It can also refer to a different understanding of what monogamy is.
Things like flirting, talking to an ex, and even masturbation can sometimes be seen as cheating.
How do I start the conversation with my partner?
If you want to open your relationship and move up the monogamy continuum to something more satisfying start with a ‘what if’ conversation.
Let your partner know you still value your commitment but you also wonder about what it would be like to explore and sexual autonomy outside of the primary relationship.
Communication requires honest conversations, patience, empathy, and understanding. Take your time.
Start looking at options before you contact anyone or go out on a date. Sometimes looking around and talking about what fantasies you share can be a great way to start.
